Has anyone seen her? It’s been years since I saw the old girl I once knew. Oh, you have? No that’s not the girl I know, you must got her mistaken or heard wrong. What happened to the girl that always stayed to herself? Anytime I saw her she was always by herself or with her best friends. The girl that NEVER put up with any mess from nobody or bit her tongue for anyone (family, friends, teacher, bus driver).Cross her ONE good time and it was over. The girl that loved ballet & dance that her life depended on it. The girl who never let any male figure disrespect or take her for granted even respected herself by valuing her precious gift for 19 long years. If you ever lied, cheated or tried her wrong in any way possible, there was a guaranteed NO second chance whatsoever. The girl who didn’t care how or what anyone had to say about her. Whether it was to her or behind her back, she never lost sleep, of course, said words and/or acted up as needed but still kept a smile on her face. The girl that never partied, drank, at church 6 days out the week, who cared and loved everyone. Sheesh It’s so much more but I will be asking forever & ever. She was always the nicest and funniest person I knew but the mess she had been putting up with & tolerating, No way that’s not the girl I once knew. So when you find her, can you please tell her to come back?
Sincerely, Old me.
Dear old me,
I miss you just as much as you miss me. Sometimes I wonder why I neglected you. If I hadn’t neglected you, I wouldn’t have encountered a lot of the tribulations I did, I wouldn’t have dealt with the wrong people, but most importantly I wouldn’t be where I am at this point in my life. It comes a point in one’s life that you HAVE to grow up. 1 Corinthians 13:11 specifically states that so I had no choice but to …Change. Yes I am 23 and still have a whole life ahead of me to grow up but tomorrow or seeing 24 is not promised to me so why not now while I am still breathing. You’re right I was a tough & ratchet cookie growing up but even with those things I still lacked knowledge which kind of was my major downfall. I put expectations on people knowing they will always be there as I am for them. But that downfall helped me realize that everyone is not your friend, sister, brother or as loyal as they claim to be. You can be there for the world, but the whole world will not be there for you. Harsh but true, even your family. But I am thankful for those that I still have here in my life. We don’t have to talk every day but we are only a text/call away & I promise it’s like we never even went days without talking. They trust me as I trust them & most of all we love each other flaws and all. You got to be able to be yourself around people you love. If you can’t, that’s not your friend.
With the male spectrum of this situation, you’re right I never used to let any guy take me for a joke or take advantage but as stated before I lacked knowledge which was once again another downfall. I believed the soft whispers in my ear & the temporary actions of kindness. I trusted that they wouldn’t hurt me, you know just what any typical girl would do. I showed them I cared, they were my one and only at the moment, loyal, ride or die, goofball, being a good girl so they could give the reciprocal in return. But then you found out that other females were lurking to take your spot out there and willing to give him more affection than you behind your back. Then they sneak off & put you on the back burner. Then being a kind, forgiving individual you give it a second chance praying it will be better only for the disrespect to happen again…&again. I look and hear about how relationships & marriages are nowadays & I promise it disgusts me. People put on this front like they are so happy but don’t know what their partners are doing on the sneak tip. It’s not that I’m hating, but it’s a trust thing to see someone (the man or woman) in the relationship treat their spouse right only to know they are not getting that truly in return. I’m at the point in my life where I don’t put anything past anything or anybody. So to save the drama, hearing more lies, giving my all just to get it thrown right back in my face, I just stay to myself. Hey at least that part of old me hasn’t left lol. No, I’m not looking for anyone, I’m not on eharmony, I don’t save guys #s from the club or at the stores in my phone when they’re interested. No, it’s not the fact that no one wants me or whatever. I don’t care if they do or don’t, but my patience has grown so much that I am willing to wait for whoever God has for me. I refuse to settle or give in as I did once before because that messes with you mentally, emotionally, etc. It makes you feel as if you’re not a good woman when you have been nothing but good to someone. Plus karma is a crazy b*&ch & I couldn’t hurt anyone that has hurt me even if I wanted to because she’s always lurking & ready for attack lol.
Of course, I don’t hold my tongue for anyone. They say speak what’s on your mind & that’s exactly what I do whether its good, bad, crazy, funny it’s whats in my mind lol. But nowadays you cant speak the truth or keep it real with people without sounding like a hater or someone getting offended and wanting to fight you. It doesn’t say anything about me, but it speaks volumes about that person because either they didn’t see my statement coming in the way they did or they can’t handle the truth. But now I am to the point where I say how I feel, but I try not to let it escalate into more than what it’s not because I’m too old to be arguing with adults. If I want to argue, I will argue with my niece and her little friends, not someone who claims to be “grown.” I love the saying “when you argue with a fool, that proves there’s two.” I am no fool so I just dont argue. Plus God said don’t fight your battles for they are his. I still hear the about the things people still say about old stuff (how news travels up 95 I tell you) especially out of mouths that I’ve helped, been there for or just smile in my face. But when you REALLY mature and have better things going for yourself, you don’t have time to worry about what so and so says, did or blah blah blah.
You’re right I’ve always been in church and read my bible, but I guess I didn’t realize those lessons I was taught all these years until I encountered them. Ignoring mess, letting go & letting God wholeheartedly has been the best decision I have ever made. I don’t have to worry about ANYTHING because he takes care of my every need, he fights all of my battles; he places a table before my enemies so they can see that I am not and will not be defeated. He has given me more than I deserve. I may not have it all, but I have enough, and he will provide me with greater things as the days go by. The more I seek him, the more I look at things from a Godly perspective and not a worldly perspective. He will see me through Graduate School; I will have the career he has destined for me, If I lose more friends, “sisters”, or associates that’s fine because I’ll have the ones meant to be in my life and bring me more. I will have the man who is destined for me and he will be glad to wake up every day and thank God that he blessed us to be together. God is in control of every aspect of my life, and although some of those tribulations I encountered were horrific, I had to go through to learn but also to strengthen me. What was meant to kill me only worked out for my good and made me stronger and he was with me the whole time. It’s true when they say you got to lose yourself to find yourself, so I’m thankful I have been found. Of course, I’m not perfect, I still listen to gangster music, I’m not dancing right now, I like to party, drink (occasionally), have fun here and there. But God loves me the same because he doesn’t judge me and still blesses me as it is in my plan he has written for me. And I am slowly but surely drifting away from that worldly atmosphere. SO all of that will definitely come to an end.
So dear old me, I hope you understand why I had to neglect you, to find myself, to see who I really was, to grow up, put away my childish acts and most importantly love myself. I thank you for who I was. You are a reflection of growth and full of test that are now my testimonies. My history doesn’t dictate my destiny so please don’t dwell on old things and my past ways but focus on the new things that are continuously happening to me now and see how God is blessing me tremendously all because of my obedience. It’s not like I was that bad because I really wasn’t. I know people who have terrible pasts & their present stinks bad but no judgment all we can do is pray they grow up as well. Thanks for the misery, tears, sleepless nights, heartaches because all of those things brought to me what I like to call now…peace and love for myself. *sings* And IIIIIIII will always love you! 🙂
New Me.