I guess I can be transparent real quick!
I was the kind of girl who wanted to love and be loved. Not having a father present or a male figure in my life, I always wanted to feel some type of affection from a male. I knew the kind of guy that I wanted, which those close to me knew but I kept it to myself as a way of not being persuaded into liking something else. I was never desperate for love but the thoughts of it and seeing everyone else finding love kept my hope alive to the point where I just wanted anything. I always see the good in people so whoever was cool in my book and attractive in some way I would get to know them and see where it lead. *Pause* Even doing that can lead you on the road of destruction. But it was worth the try. Overtime, that didn’t work. I wasn’t into wanting relations because I knew I was worth so much more but it seem like that’s what a lot of “potentials” wanted. Once I got that impression, I cut that off quick because I know how those end up…BAD! But for some of the ones that I thought took me serious and lead to that, ended bad too lol. So after a few bad apples and being taken advantage of, I was over it. I had no more energy or love left in myself to give out because I was tired of going nowhere or going back and dealing with insanity. I didn’t give up hope on love but I was over it for the time being. So one day I randomly said “Hey, you know what God?” (Yes I talk to him as I would talk to my earthly father) “Get my eyes off of wanting to be loved and allow me to focus on myself.” I love people and my downfall was always caring about others more than myself. So I really needed to not just focus on myself but to love myself. I have battled with self-esteem issues in the past. People that you are pursuing can see your self-worth so if you don’t find yourself worthy, they won’t either. I saw the issue and wanted to fix it. I needed to be by myself and needed to stop wanted to be loved. I just wanted to be alone. I wanted to find myself. I wanted to enjoy myself. I just wanted to be myself so bad that even when I stepped my dress and makeup game up and started getting attention from guys, I wouldn’t take it seriously. I took myself to the movies, I would go to the park every day and run. After that, I would sit on the bench, read my bible on my bible app and stare at the lakes and admire the beauty of nature. I took myself out to eat. For my 23rd birthday, I took myself to get a pedicure and to Dave N Buster’s for dinner and games. I mean you would’ve thought I was obsessed with myself. But I was. I finally loved who I was and didn’t want anyone coming into my life to take that away. And thanks to Joel Osteen, Prophetess Tera Carissa & Heather Lindsey, they helped me get through this dry season of loving myself. Oh but you know the devil had to intervene and throw the lust & temptations my way. I would go months without hearing from past guys because I assume(well I knew) their time was being consumed with other girls so I was used to being ignored. But once in a blue moon, I would get a “what’s up” text. Honestly, I wouldn’t take it seriously but I entertained. Even then, it still was wrong because I felt like I was treating them how they treated me and I didn’t want a cycle of karma to come back to me. So I cut all ties. I ignored messages, phone calls, fell back from social media and everything. Like I wasn’t thinking about anyone or anything. When I did, it was hurtful and painful thoughts. Sometimes when we try to think of the memories of the past, we think about the good times and not the bad. That’s why we hold on and want to go back. But when you think about the bad and misery, you realize the hurt and realize you deserve so much more! So to avoid reliving hurtful memories, I kept my eyes focused on starting graduate school, moving out on my own and just being independent and dependent on God only. Like I had to resist the temptations in order to be taken seriously by God. Forget the EOG, SAT, GRE, I think that was the hardest test I had to take in life. Then, out of the clear blue sky, I met this guy. And when I say the feeling and kick I got inside when I saw him was out of this world, it was out of this world. I didn’t know where it came from or why I was feeling like this but I knew God was trying to tell me something. Little did I know, that was my husband. Crazy right?!